Rock Chick

After reading Rock Chicks and Just Kids I realize that I am - at the very heart of me - a Rock Chick. Although I can't sing a tune or play an instrument, I feel very similar to the women who have been and are still in Rock and Roll.

I am not a part of the mainstream. My behavior could be construed as backwards. I make no pretenses about how deeply my music love affair is tied squarely with Rock and Roll. Hard rock. The louder the better. I am not one for the masses. I am different. I cherish, relish and honor that difference.

I know the awkwardness that Janice Joplin and Joan Jett felt. Each trying hard to be herself and fit in - eventually something was going to give. The wanting to do more and be more than society was allowing or telling them to be. As I said, I can't play an instrument or sing a tune in a bucket. And yet, I feel an affinity with these women. A bond. A sense of sisterhood. I cannot imagine the work and obstacles they had to endure to be who they were/are. While my life is no where near that stressful and intense there are aspects that resemble their struggles.

Some days I wonder if I'm in the right field of work. Am I where I'm supposed to be? How can I break into the one world I know and love so much? I don't want to be a DJ. I can't sing or play in a band. And an agent is out of the question. How can I be a part of Rock and Roll without those options? What is left? I don't know. I'm searching. Historian. Perhaps. Author. Oh what I wouldn't give... And maybe that is it. That is how I become part of Rock and Roll. Just write about it. Be a part of it through words, thoughts, ideas. Why not?  Little by little I can work toward that goal. Little by little I can do the research, the listening, the reading - whatever it takes to gain knowledge and ideas.

This epiphany of sorts is refreshing and more accurately- right. I am on the path to understand who I am. Yes, it took some time. My growth and understanding are due in no small part to the fact that I live in a city where my soul thrives.  Seattle is truly my home. Where I belong. In Seattle, I have become the woman I am meant to be. Nowadays the reflection in the mirror is unrecognizable. And it is incredible! She is not who I expect to look back. She is stronger and more enduring that I ever thought her to be.

2012 feels like the year. My resolution of Run. Write. Dream. BE. Is right. I'm ready to pursue, achieve and grow even further than I already have. I have the tools, the friends, the desire to push further, harder, more. Support and self-belief are the two most critical facets to succeed. Those and a great dictionary. Ha!

Obviously, you are reading this. You are reading my words and my thoughts. It is you that I ask to help keep me accountable for this resolution. It is from you that I request feedback.  For without an audience all I have is a diary. I want my writing to be more than a daily diary or journal. I want you to experience what I experience, know what I know and agree or disagree with my perspective. I think it appropriate  here and now to thank you for coming along on this road with me. It's gonna be a helluva ride!

The Soundtrack of My Life.

One of the first few posts I did was based on the idea that if your life were a movie what would the soundtrack be.  The ironic thing is that I consider music to be a part of me, part of who I am, part of what I want to be. This installation is called The Soundtrack of My Life.  It is a chronological snapshot of the songs, artists and genres that have been a part of my life.

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The Soundtrack of My Life.

Music.  The single word that defines me.  All my life, I have looked to music for inspiration, healing, comfort, joy, reflection.  I’m sure you are curious- what songs define me?  Heather Cleary.

Considering that I was born at the end of the Vietnam War, you can imagine there are three extremely different routes that I could choose.  First was Rock and Roll like Led Zeppelin, Rolling Stones, The Doors.  Then there was Folk music - Jim Croce, Harry Chapin, Cat Stevens, Joni Mitchell.  Finally there was Disco – Gloria Gayner, Donna Summer.  If I had to pick one genre in my formative years I would choose Folk Music.  Cats in the Cradle by Harry Chapin.  

Growing up in Pennsylvania and starting Catholic school in the late 70s introduced me to a slew of genres, artists, albums.  Dancing is the one hobby that never seems to tire with me.  Anything I could listen to that would have me dancing in my living room- I was there.  Shake It Up by The Cars- Always got me out in the living room, cutting a rug and having a blast.

In my pre-teen years, Dance/Pop music became more influential over my life.  My friend and I would listen incessantly to New Edition.  We would talk on our neon pink phones and gossip about this person or that.  But when it came down to brass tax, Ronny, Bobby, Ricky and Mike – well they were who would get me moving and having fun.

As I left Catholic school, I headed into the unfamiliar world of public High School.  Though I felt lost in my new surroundings, I discovered the one music genre that I am still most passionate about – Rock and Roll.  I hit high school at the peak of hair bands and Glam Rock.  Poison, KISS, Winger, Def Leppard, Aerosmith, Van Halen. 

There is one song from high school that even now continues to be one of my all time favorite songs.  It’s the one song that pushes me forward. Dreams by Van Halen. “Straight up we’ll climb, we’ll get higher and higher, oh that’s what dreams are made of.” 

I confess right here the next 8 or so years of my life, I became a rather boring music aficionado.  Van Halen ruled my life.  Every album. Every concert tour. Every singer.  Yes Dave and Sam.  But I preferred Sammy.  All things Van Halen were who I was. It got so bad in college that the guy living down the hall from me became a Van Halen fan because that was all he ever heard.   

In college, I left behind my small coal mining hometown.  I was 2 hours from home and allowed the freedom I strongly desired.  With it came another very influential Van Halen song- Right Now.  “What are ya waiting for?  Right Now.  Come on it’s everything.  Right Now.”  The video was even more so.  At each possible moment, a different occurrence that is happening right now would flash on the video.  Phrases like: Right now it is nicer outside.  Right now some soup would be nice.  Right now someone is work hard for a low wage.  Right now She’s Going on With Her Life.

In my final year of college, I met him.  I met the guy who rocked my world.  It was the summer of 1994.  Introduced by friends, the instant I met him, I knew.  There was a song we’d always listen to.  Heaven (Let Your Light Shine Down) by Collective Soul.  But instead of Heaven, Mark would sing Heather.    

I left college and headed into the work world.  Sarah McLachlan was now on the scene.  And though my rock roots ran deep, it was the female artists who influenced me in the mid 90s.  Sarah, Paula Cole and Alanis Morrisette.  They all had a different, yet strong message.  Paula Cole would maybe emerge as the front runner for who was the most influential to me.  Her Into the Fire album spoke to me about pushing ahead, depending on yourself.

  

In 1996, I married Mark on a cold, wet, rainy May day.  The song we were introduced to at our reception – Dreams by Van Halen.  Our first dance was In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel.  Me being me- well I couldn’t just slow dance.  He twirled me around, spun me through his fingers, dipped me, all the stuff that makes dancing with another person fun. 

Three weeks after we got married in Pennsylvania we moved to Dallas, Texas.  Not much of a country fan, some how we came across this song that went something like “Heads Carolina, Tails California – I don’t care where we are going.  Up in the mountains, down to the ocean I don’t care as long as we get there.”  That became our mini-anthem.  He wanted a new job, and I was more than willing to leave my home town.  The move to Texas marked a new adventure in my life.

It was probably 2 months into our marriage when Mark came home from work.  “Heather,” he said “you need to sit down, we need to talk.” OH MY GOD!  What is it?  What is wrong?  I was thinking the worst. “Heather, Van Halen broke up.  They kicked Sammy out of the band.”  Oh my world crumbled.  Devastated.  I felt like I was a kid in a divorce.  Who do I pick?  Sammy Hagar or Eddie Van Halen?  Could I still like them both?  What to do? 

After about 3 years in Texas, it became apparent that Mark’s job was going nowhere.  Matchbox 20 had a song about “I want to wake up where you are.”  He was traveling 3-4 days a week.  He was frustrated and ready for a change.  That song spoke to both of us.  We picked up our stuff and moved to Dayton, Ohio. 

In the fall of 2000, I found out I was pregnant with our first child.  The mystery and the wonder of being pregnant can drive deep emotions and strong reactions.  The baby and I would listen to different kinds of music during my commute to work.  I would talk to the baby and feel it move.  No, I didn’t listen to the trendy classical music.  This kid and I, we listened to Rock and Roll. 

On a rainy early morning in May 2001, our first child, Nolan Joseph was born.  Later that morning, Mark played Dreams – it seemed fitting.  When Nolan turned 1, I found out I was pregnant again.  Bridget Lee was born on a snowy morning in January 2003.  I wanted to use music differently for her birth.  I found some new age music that helped me stay relaxed and focus on what I needed to do.  An artist named Hennie Baker, while not famous, to this day that album keeps me centered.

In early 2006, it became terribly apparent that Mark’s job had yet again hit a wall.  I encouraged him to find something new.  What song made me do it? Foo Fighters - Everlong. In late March, he was offered a position with Boeing in Seattle, WA.  We wanted our children to grow up with diversity and understanding and options.  Much to the chagrin of both sets of grandparents, we pulled up our stakes and headed west. The song that helped lead that move? U2’s Walk On.

I have now lived in Seattle for nearly 6 years. Bands have come and gone from my musical rotations. Deep down, I am definitely a Rock and Roll girl.  Who are the bands I listen to on my i-Pod?  Foo Fighters, Godsmack, Korn, Seether and a little know group out New Orleans called Cowboy Mouth. If it is loud, I’m there.  Music is such an integral part of my life.  It seems only appropriate that the Soundtrack of My Life landed me in Seattle – such an influential music city.  

Reason. Season. Lifetime.

There is a quote that says: “People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.  When you know what it is, you will know what to do for that person.”  I often think about this quote.   Each and every one of us impacts and are impacted by another human soul for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

I lived in a number of different places.  From different small towns to different cities, I have moved about 9 times in my life.  Not as many as some, but considering most of those moves occurred after I turned 21, well then it’s a lot.  Each time I moved I tried to look at the new environment and wonder about the people I am going to meet, the friends I’ll make, and the memories yet to be made. 

With each move I worked in different jobs for different companies.  One of my most memorable work moments occurred when I worked for Half Price Books in Dallas, Texas.  My main job was to buy books from the public.  People came in; I reviewed the stacks and made an offer.

One day a woman brought in about a hundred Science-Fiction paperback books.  I went about my normal routine of reviewing the books and I made my offer.  She accepted and as she turned to leave she started to cry.  I hopped around the counter and asked her if she was okay.  She said those books were from her brother’s collection.  He had recently passed away from cancer and she was cleaning out his belongings. 

Yes, of course my heart sunk.  However, I had one of those God-moments and I found the right words.  I told her that what she did might seem like she was giving her brother away or burying him once again.  What I needed for her to know was that someone else would pick up those books and enjoy them as much as her brother did.  That she wasn’t giving him away.  She was sharing a part of him with another person.  And that person would sustain her brother’s memory without them even knowing.  His ending was another person’s beginning.

My words seemed to help.  It was in that moment too, that I realized something as well.  I was there to be the conduit to continue the love of a book, a genre, or an author to the next person who walked in that door.  There were days when I thought I would gag if I saw another John Grisham book pass my buying counter.  After my encounter with that woman I realized that what I did was important and significant.  

I still well up with tears when I think about it.  Ten years later, it remains my favorite paid job I ever had.  We are put in places and moments to make a difference in someone’s life.  People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.  But think about the people into whose life you came.  Who did you know for a reason, who did you know for a season, and who will you know for a lifetime?  We don’t walk this earth and not make an impact somewhere at sometime.   

About 10 years later I came across a quote that completely validated my actions with that grieving woman on that fateful day. 

          "Every book, every volume you see has a soul. The soul of the person who wrote it and the soul of those who read it and lived and dreamed with it. Every time a book changes hands, every time someone runs his eyes down its pages, its spirit grows and strengthens."

           ~ Carlos Ruiz Zafron

I found this quote and never knew the author until now. Do you know how much I love his work? Carlos Ruiz Zafron is an eloquent author. His use of words and imagery are far superior than many. 

This discovery today leads me to another quote that has stuck with me. (Of course it is about books.)

          “Sometimes we don't pick the books we read- they pick us.”  It is a quote I picked up from the movie, The Hurricane.  

What are you reading today? What books have made an impact on your life? What author? What genre? Where do you go with books? Where do you hope to go? Where might you never expect to go, but once you are there - you are so very glad you went? Who has touched your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime? Is it me? Am I a reason, a season or a lifetime? I'm not expecting to be any one particular thing, just happy that I am in your life and you are in mine.